if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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