im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
