when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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