To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
