I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
