Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
