It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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