I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
