I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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