i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
foreskin is a definite game changer
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
