I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
