but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize