hell yes lets make some ravioli
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
