Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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