Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
