News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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