stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's shark week go big or go home
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
