I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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