If i could tip my vagina, i would.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
