my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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