Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
