are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
