you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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