I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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