I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
