phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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