Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
