We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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