I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
