dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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