he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize