the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
