I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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