My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
