So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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