New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
