Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
