My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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