i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
