I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
