walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
