we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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