i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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