Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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