he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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