I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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