I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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