i'm lost and i look like a hooker
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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