brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I must be too annoying 4 u.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
how drunk are you?
Several
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
