After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ketchup is God's man juice
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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