So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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