I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
no, he came in my armpit
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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