ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize