I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sorry about my life...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
