There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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