have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
