New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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