I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Even my vagina gasped.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
