He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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