He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
